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30 September 2006 - 2:25 p.m. i haven't written on diaryland in so long...i sincerely doubt if anyoen even remembers that I have this! I guess that gives me some freedom in what I write in this. I feel a sense of anonymity here that I thought I would find at Yale, but quickly lost as I became integrated to life in New Haven. I hesitate to say campus life because I am so removed from actual campus life. grad school is like nothing i have ever experienced. It is pure joy and pure hell rolled into a single package. I am finding friends that I never imagined I could have while feeling as though I am losing those that have helped me become the person ia m today. I am working my ass off and not getting anywhere. I am not the smartest by far nor am I am the least intelligent. I am among equals. I am respected for my accomplishments but not allowed to rest on my laurels. I have finally found an academic home where they will push me and get the very best from me instead of letting me get by with minimal effort. For that alone, I love it here. I am starting to think that there is also someone in my life that...well, that I am actually crushing on. I dare not tell anyone around here as they know him and it could get awkward. Still, I have such an amazing time with him. He is cute, smart, (given aroudn here, lol), funny, a great dancer, and so incredibly patient. I don't want to ruin it though. Knowing my luck I shall push it and therefore ruin it. Yet I don't want to let the opportunity pass. I am once again resigned to the position of outside looking in. I want happiness in my personal life but am too afraid to take the plunge. I wish he was back in town so I could at least get talk to him... Despite the anonymity that I feel I have with diaryland, in my heart, I know I am not really anonymous here. If I truly wanted anonymous, I wouldn't be writing here. I guess I am just an attention seeking whore. I want people to know what is oging on in my life, hence diaryland, lj, facebook, and myspace. I I want people to know the image I put up. I want people to envy me, to wish to be me since I want nothng more than to be someone other than myself. I am completely wihtout the confidence that I show to the rest of the world. So, dearest friends from long ago...should you have read this, know that the assumptions and criticisms that you held about me were right all along. I refused to see the veracity of them then, but now..well, I know myself as you must have known me so long ago...
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